SO I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD.

That sorta thing comes and goes you know. Everyone thinks you'll feel different overnight. That's er, that's not true. Except I had to, out of necessity and a promise. I vowed to drop my emo shit and play it straight from now on. So that's what I'm doing. I instantly feel more smiley and optimistic. Even got a celebratory haircut to seal the deal didn't I? Yeah I wanna be all like OH i'm sXe baby, real straight edge. But that's a lie. It's something I am interested in, sure. But I'm also interested in getting drunk and ridiculous. That probably outweighs the desire to be part of the Straight Edge scene. At least I can still be hXc and cXc (I think I just invented that but it now means Crunkcore. Spread the word kids.) Acronyms with large X's in the middle are always cool right? I don't know how to feel about not being a teenager anymore.

The Past

Part of me wants to cut it all off. Just totally forget it. 16-17 was the worst time of my life. I left school too early and I fell into depression, cutting, addictive behaviour, violence, crime ... Everything that could go wrong did basically. I lost friends I should never have lost. I made friends I should never have made. I did stuff I should never have done. I was wasting my life away in a place that was gonna kill me.

Part of me wants to cherish it. Just remember every single detail. 18-19 has been the best time of my life. I moved to Cambridge and found my home. I now have the best friends; Jamie, Rach, Dave, Pat, Colleen, Lav, Narayan, they're all amazing. I love every one of them so much. Everything that could go right did basically. I stopped cutting and sorted my life out thanks to some important words from important people. I made friends I'm so thankful for. I met a girl, eventually, and I did things I'll always remember.

The Present

College is nearly done. This makes me equally sad and hopeful. Sad because I know some people will drift apart, and nothing will ever feel as good as some of the days we've had. When everyone connected and loved and lived all in the same moment. When the nights were long and the living room was on the front lawn. Hopeful because change isn't always for the worst. New opportunities and new places, new but hopefully old faces. It's gonna be tough for everyone to get around to visit peeps at uni, people are gonna be huge distances apart, but it'll happen. Swear down. The people I most care about visiting are gonna be in Cambridge or up in Lincoln my old hangout anyway. So I should be cool. I just worry about everyone else. Please, don't let people who matter to you fade out of your life. Because it's the biggest mistake you'll ever make. One night it'll hit you what you lost and you'll regret it forever. Trust. Only FS4, TV studio and FMP remain. 2 of those will be fine. FMP will not. However, who gives a shit. Stop taking life so seriously.

The Future

So I'm going home after College finishes. Probably not for the entire gap between College and Uni (I'm heading Bournemouth btw. Scriptwriting fyi) but for a while. Gotta see mum, and dad I guess, and probably do something stupid with my old friends. Eugh. I'd much rather stay up here, but I don't have a place or any money to live. SO I guess that's out. HOLY FUCK wow ok. That hurts. Shit ... Ok I'll deal with that tomorrow. Hurrrr girls kill me. Never mind. Non-emo = no heartbreak. certainly not. MMM so yeah, Bournemouth in September provided I get in, otherwise it's London South Bank for me baby. I don't particularly care. Tbh if Bournemouth didn't seem so good for the course, I would have no problem at all going to LSBU, england's worst university. Just cuz of location and stuff. Ravensbourne is pretty close for Dave and Westminster is closer still for Narayan. Oh and Wimbledon for Zeeee!! Wow.

In the end, I have decided to let life do what it wants to do to me and stop taking it so seriously. Give up hope on anything ever working out how you might expect. Just keep a positive outlook and see where I end up. Sometimes, just sometimes, great things happen. And sure, I'll work for what I want and work damn hard, but I'm not gonna waste my time on pointless ventures or pointless people. I'll do anything for my friends, cuz in the end we come to this world with nothing and we leave with nothing but love. Everything else is just borrowed (thank you Mike Skinner =P). Right now I'm gonna smile. Things might go wrong, but I have a feeling they might just go right. It's all to do with your outlook. And I don't mean Outlook Express. One of Zee's posts inspired me today. She is amazing in every way. FANBOY =P.

Strawberry fair Sat'day innit, I'll probably end up there at about 9 or half 9 after a day of trolling round town and eating some meal. Pity that Colleen will probably have left by then if she turns up at all, and I dunno about J and Narayan. ARGH could do with some more cash in hand but whatever. Friday today. gotta go to the bank later erm should I miss Key Skills and go in the morning or try and get back quick and ... No i can't do that they close at like 4:30. fuck my banking. OH WELL Ski Kills has gotta be missed then. And it will be missed.

Soundtrack to my life. Past, Present and future.

Papa Roach - Scars. Summer 2006. Disaster and redemption.


3OH!3 - Don't Trust Me. Early Summer 2009. Giving up and moving on.


Brand New - Trees/Brickhouse (live). Uni time 2009. Brand New.


Did ok I think.
Thanks for sticking it out.
xo