I put so much in and get so little back.
I feel like I'm up against a fucking brick wall. If you don't care then I won't care. fuck it.

So where have I been since my last post? I've been home, and technically I guess I still am. 100 miles from the last place I posted from; that's where I am now. I stayed at a friends close to home Tuesday and Wednesday, we just chilled in the sun, reminisced, drank a few beers and whatever. Then I went home home on Thursday. Met up with the old crew and remembered why I felt like I had to get out of there in 07. Everything got fucked up. Just like the good old days. I fucked up. Ketamine does bad things. Magical, amazing, extra-sensory, horrible, bad things. I'm not gonna say I can't see the attraction. I was somewhere else. Yeah, it was something new. I was not myself. But the next day I was freaking out. Paranoid, hyper, just not right. It's a weird feeling, and I don't like it. It makes stupid things happen.
We went to the cinema friday to see Fast and Furious, made a right mess of it, but it was pretty fun. Friday night was weird. Not like ket comedown weird, but just ... i dunno it made me think. Such a fucking contrast from Thursday. We just cruised around, listening to tunes, drinking a little, attempting to crash a party, running from authority. Those are the nights I miss. Nights when you feel alive for the right reasons. Here's to more of those. Cambridge based please. I miss Cambridge now. It feels more like home than Lincoln ever did. I dunno. It's strange, Colleen and maybe Lav and/or narayan will be heading to uni there in September, and I'm sure they'll love it, well ... maybe not narayan so much, although there is a castle there i don't know if he likes castles. But for gigs and nightlife Lincoln is pretty cool, and awesome student life too by all accounts.

So now I'm feeling like I need to do something different. Things need to change. Most of all I want someone. A very specific someone. And I don't wanna feel like I'm living a wasted life (do I say anymore? I dunno). I just need to feel like new shit is gonna happen. And soon. Yeah you can't have everything. But i need something. Some sort of rush. some sort of new place. new person. new experiences. Yeah you can judge me if you want. But we're all gonna die. And I wanna deserve it. (c)asofterworld - linkage This post has taken a serious turn for the emo but oh well. We all need a bit of that in our lives. I bought some new shit today, a couple of rings and a bracelet and a couple of shirts. Thinking of getting my hair cut pretty soon too. Nothing too drastic, just make it a little more emo (IF THAT IS POSSIBLE?!) no of course it is. everything can always be more emo. just add little black stars. But you know I'd give it all up for you. Sometimes love isn't about how much someone suits you, but how much you're willing to change to suit them. I fucking hope Tom has my money when I get back to Cambridge (backstory: I lent him £160 a few weeks ago, cos he couldn't afford to pay for some shit. Then he went to Scotland and I came home. The rest, as they say, is history.)

As far as college and uni goes, my FMP is fucked cos my actor left at easter and so did I, and I didn't book a camera for any time before we go back. Hopefully I can get a lend of J's but still, doesn't solve the actor/timings problems. It's a load of crap anyway, I wanna be a scriptwriter not a director. I have the ideas but I don't give a shit about getting em onto film. Write. Just let me write and there wouldn't be any problems. I'm going to uni to write, but me actually getting to my first choice (Bournemouth) depends on me making this film. It's Catch 22 I guess. Or maybe catch 23 (I wish i cared enough about this to try harder.) Why is it I cared enough about that stupid Film Studies report to write 6000 words but I don't care enough about my actual FMP to organise it properly? GAH. Oh well, it could be worse, I could be Lavinia. HAHA. pure filthy banter.

In other news: 1) If anyone wants to sell me a Friday day ticket to Reading festival I'd gladly take that off your hands. I don't think I've got much of a chance of getting to GIAN at this point considering it's tomorrow. Fail.
2) I'll be back in Cambridge on Tuesday and as bored as hell no doubt, so if people wanna do shit then hit me up. I think I'm heading to March at the weekend to help Lav with filming FMP even though i should probably be doing my own. But between then and then I am down for anything.
3) Narayan if you read this and have a scanner or go to Jamie's then i could use a digital copy of the TV studio script, I failed to aquire one on the last day of term. HELP ME HELP YOU. HELP ME HELP YOU!
4) gotta sort my fucking life out. In the immortal words of P Diddy on twitter: "LET'S GO!!!" Oh and bring on the summer.