Strawberry Fair yesterday. I met some awesome new people, got a little drunk, thrashed to some great bands, saw a man dressed as a horse. The usual. Got some nice photos from it that I played around with in Photoshop cuz that's how I roll. Take a look. Hey you might even see yourself! Intense right!

Jamie "Jamir" Smith, MaxComp, Narayan OH


Georgia and Colleen =)


Me and NarayanOH outside the Future Tent


Rachel Bright Eyes =) and MaxComp


J in grey and Colleen in supercolour woop woop

NOT MUCH ELSE TO REPORT I'M AFRAID. I'M STAYING UP TIL LIKE 4AM WATCHING WWE CUZ I AM COOL LIKE THAT. OH WHERE'S POUNDER?? FML GOGOGO ENJOY THE REST OF THE BLOG I'VE GOTTA GO! xo

SO I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD.

That sorta thing comes and goes you know. Everyone thinks you'll feel different overnight. That's er, that's not true. Except I had to, out of necessity and a promise. I vowed to drop my emo shit and play it straight from now on. So that's what I'm doing. I instantly feel more smiley and optimistic. Even got a celebratory haircut to seal the deal didn't I? Yeah I wanna be all like OH i'm sXe baby, real straight edge. But that's a lie. It's something I am interested in, sure. But I'm also interested in getting drunk and ridiculous. That probably outweighs the desire to be part of the Straight Edge scene. At least I can still be hXc and cXc (I think I just invented that but it now means Crunkcore. Spread the word kids.) Acronyms with large X's in the middle are always cool right? I don't know how to feel about not being a teenager anymore.

The Past

Part of me wants to cut it all off. Just totally forget it. 16-17 was the worst time of my life. I left school too early and I fell into depression, cutting, addictive behaviour, violence, crime ... Everything that could go wrong did basically. I lost friends I should never have lost. I made friends I should never have made. I did stuff I should never have done. I was wasting my life away in a place that was gonna kill me.

Part of me wants to cherish it. Just remember every single detail. 18-19 has been the best time of my life. I moved to Cambridge and found my home. I now have the best friends; Jamie, Rach, Dave, Pat, Colleen, Lav, Narayan, they're all amazing. I love every one of them so much. Everything that could go right did basically. I stopped cutting and sorted my life out thanks to some important words from important people. I made friends I'm so thankful for. I met a girl, eventually, and I did things I'll always remember.

The Present

College is nearly done. This makes me equally sad and hopeful. Sad because I know some people will drift apart, and nothing will ever feel as good as some of the days we've had. When everyone connected and loved and lived all in the same moment. When the nights were long and the living room was on the front lawn. Hopeful because change isn't always for the worst. New opportunities and new places, new but hopefully old faces. It's gonna be tough for everyone to get around to visit peeps at uni, people are gonna be huge distances apart, but it'll happen. Swear down. The people I most care about visiting are gonna be in Cambridge or up in Lincoln my old hangout anyway. So I should be cool. I just worry about everyone else. Please, don't let people who matter to you fade out of your life. Because it's the biggest mistake you'll ever make. One night it'll hit you what you lost and you'll regret it forever. Trust. Only FS4, TV studio and FMP remain. 2 of those will be fine. FMP will not. However, who gives a shit. Stop taking life so seriously.

The Future

So I'm going home after College finishes. Probably not for the entire gap between College and Uni (I'm heading Bournemouth btw. Scriptwriting fyi) but for a while. Gotta see mum, and dad I guess, and probably do something stupid with my old friends. Eugh. I'd much rather stay up here, but I don't have a place or any money to live. SO I guess that's out. HOLY FUCK wow ok. That hurts. Shit ... Ok I'll deal with that tomorrow. Hurrrr girls kill me. Never mind. Non-emo = no heartbreak. certainly not. MMM so yeah, Bournemouth in September provided I get in, otherwise it's London South Bank for me baby. I don't particularly care. Tbh if Bournemouth didn't seem so good for the course, I would have no problem at all going to LSBU, england's worst university. Just cuz of location and stuff. Ravensbourne is pretty close for Dave and Westminster is closer still for Narayan. Oh and Wimbledon for Zeeee!! Wow.

In the end, I have decided to let life do what it wants to do to me and stop taking it so seriously. Give up hope on anything ever working out how you might expect. Just keep a positive outlook and see where I end up. Sometimes, just sometimes, great things happen. And sure, I'll work for what I want and work damn hard, but I'm not gonna waste my time on pointless ventures or pointless people. I'll do anything for my friends, cuz in the end we come to this world with nothing and we leave with nothing but love. Everything else is just borrowed (thank you Mike Skinner =P). Right now I'm gonna smile. Things might go wrong, but I have a feeling they might just go right. It's all to do with your outlook. And I don't mean Outlook Express. One of Zee's posts inspired me today. She is amazing in every way. FANBOY =P.

Strawberry fair Sat'day innit, I'll probably end up there at about 9 or half 9 after a day of trolling round town and eating some meal. Pity that Colleen will probably have left by then if she turns up at all, and I dunno about J and Narayan. ARGH could do with some more cash in hand but whatever. Friday today. gotta go to the bank later erm should I miss Key Skills and go in the morning or try and get back quick and ... No i can't do that they close at like 4:30. fuck my banking. OH WELL Ski Kills has gotta be missed then. And it will be missed.

Soundtrack to my life. Past, Present and future.

Papa Roach - Scars. Summer 2006. Disaster and redemption.


3OH!3 - Don't Trust Me. Early Summer 2009. Giving up and moving on.


Brand New - Trees/Brickhouse (live). Uni time 2009. Brand New.


Did ok I think.
Thanks for sticking it out.
xo

First things first: I hate fruit tea. Don't ever buy me it or administer it to me it's fucking Mexico.

Second things second: I get more worried by not having my friends around than things I should be worried about like not being able to pay rent/my phone contract/life.

Third things third: My mum is a hero :)

Fourth things fourth: Zack and Miri make a Porno is a lovely film, plus it has Jason Mewes in it and he has some sick ink, plus that porn star. Good times.

Fifth things fifth: I wish I'd taken more chances.

Oh and sixth things sixth: Long long long phone call to the girl i love is a good way to make me feel happy happy. Well weapon.

NOW LET ME SHOW YOU SOME THINGS :L
MUSIC. HERE IS SOME MUSIC I HAVE RECENTLY ENJOYED. YOU MIGHT TOO. YOU PROBABLY WON'T. I COULD CARE LESS. (yeah so my music taste sucks get over it)

A Skylit Drive - Wires and the Concept of Breathing (2008 Post-Hardcore)

Street art is FUN

Yeah so I got a whole new look
How'd you like it?
New shit still to come
It's a strong game for me. J helped a lot.
He's a hero.
Things are good today.
:)

THIS IMAGE MAKES ME HAPPY

Everyone should use plurk because the potential
For update/comment humour is amazing. See example:

SO.
I want to take you back to my happiest but at the same time
most melancholy moment that I can remember. It was sad
but for all the right reasons I guess you could say?
It was also the closest I'd ever felt to anyone else ever.
I don't know if it still is. But it's up there.

See I was in Wragby, in 06, with the old crew. And there was this one girl, Emma, and she was beautiful. I mean honestly she could have been a model. Maybe she is now? I don't know. She had the most amazing eyes. Everything changes doesn't it? ANYWAY the point is, one night I met her on a bench, or should I say 'the' bench and she was crying. I talked to her a little, tried to make her feel better. Anyway I eventually found out she had split up with her long-time boyfriend. He was a mate of mine too so I felt bad like, for both of 'em. Just cos' I knew they were really in love, I mean sometimes you see a couple and you just know. They felt like forever. After a few minutes of silence I got my phone out and played a song that I knew she liked. I started sort of singing it to her and after a few seconds she just collapsed on my shoulder in a flood of tears. I held her tight and told her everything would be ok.

They got back together the week after that. I've never felt so helpful and helpless at the same time before or since.

#322 - Someone who will watch the sunrise with me

I found this amazing feed on tumblr. If you don't know what tumblr is then go find out. Anyway this is brilliant. And yeah it's written from a women's POV but who cares? It's still awesome. If you think you can do better then I dare you to try.

SO I DON'T LOOK THE SAME AS I DID. RAWR.

Pacman. ftw.

#386 - Someone who will take an interest in what I have to blog

One day I'll walk away and you'll be all like 'oh shit I probably should have made out with him at least one time. He looks like some kind of smooth operator' and by then it'll be much too late. Just remember: Feelings are boring, kissing is awesome.

It's Zoe's and Ruth's birthdays today. I have no idea if I got the apostrophes or lack of right there. Although I'm not as bad as Steve at positioning apostrophes.
Anyway yeah, how weird is that?
Some of you may know what I'm talking about, others will not. Don't lost sleep over it.
TALKING OF LOSING SLEEP, HERE I AM DOING THIS FUCKING BLOG AT ALMOST 1AM, I'LL BE UP TIL LIKE 4:30 COS OF THE WWE AND TOM SHAMBLING IN AT SOME POINT. NO-ONE EVER ACHIEVED ANYTHING ASLEEP RIGHT? not that i'm gonna achieve anything anyway but still. fuck it.

THIS IMAGE MAKES ME LESS HAPPY

Hey I'm an NFL fan so I appreciate a Cardinal more
than most, but still! What is this? I've heard the new
single ... errrr I dunno. It's a grower perhaps? It
definitely didn't hit me as much as some of their early
stuff. It doesn't have the power of We Are The End
or To A Friend that's for sure
(oh btw we're talking about alexisonfire here. noobs) Anyway.
I know Zoe isn't so impressed.

BUT GO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

SCREAM UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE.

#485 - Someone with eyes so beautiful they make me wish you didn't blink. (Although that'd be pretty freaky.)

We're gonna make these last few weeks the best of our lives. Everything changes, and nothing can last forever. But memories stick around. So does photographic evidence. So let's make a pledge right now. We make this everything we can. We live dangerously, we take risks, we be who we wanna be, and be with who we wanna be with. We take too many photos, we laugh too loud, we get in trouble and get out of it. Because none of this matters if you're not living. YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND FUCK THE REST. Be reckless. Take a chance. Fall in love.
Dwayne. We are all Dwayne.

"giochero fino a che il cielo non sia nero" -z.h./aof

A siren and a birdsong
The juxtaposition isn't lost on me
Death and life.

LIFE YOU ARE RIDICULE, FUTILITY, TORMENT, FRUSTRATION, PAINFUL IRONY, SORROW, EMPTINESS, LONELINESS. DESPAIR, HEARTBREAK, ANGUISH, ANGER, INJUSTICE, LOSS, TRAGEDY, DISASTER.
BUT WE LONG FOR YOU. AND THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. BEING ALIVE IS. IT'S PRETTY COOL TO LIVE.
Yet still, one day we die. And then nothing will have mattered. But we comprehend that when we choose.
FOR NOW SIGUR ROS BIRDS.

christ ...

What have I just done?

Man it feels like forever ago that I last blogged. It was quite a long time wasn't it? Dear me. Well listen, Zoe was like 'oh man do another blog' and so here I am. Blogging. And actually this time I do have some stuff to write about. You lucky, lucky people. First of all I think I'll share a few photos that I've took recently, just ones that make me look talented with a camera. If you're an avid fan of me anywhere else on the internet (and why wouldn't you be quite frankly) then you might have scoped a few of these before. Either way they're here now so just calm down and take a look.

A random Balloon down near Mill Pond in Cambridge

Little bit of motion blur action at CRC


The classic dandelion depth-of-field shot

That'll do for that then. I never really wanted to be a photographer but I like doing it you know? It's a hobby and guess what I'm pretty good guys ;D SO yes onto more or less more important matters. Man, this 80's music countdown has just turned up on TMF. Let me just say that YOU ARE GOLD, GOOOLLDD!! Yes yes yes yes yes.

Ok so I decided on uni's didn't I? Got my applications sorted. Bournemouth first choice, LSBU as backup - sorry Stafford. It's not you, it's me. Now I gotta deal with applying for accomodation and student finance and whatnot. Oh and I also have to deal with getting IN to Bournemouth. DMM is required. I should be able to manage it, just gotta merit the majority of FMP and I'm there. Happy days. College has been such a drag lately though, I've just lost every ounce of desire to do anything when I'm there. I know Lav and Col feel pretty much the same. A lot of the problem is that we haven't had any lecturers for like 3 weeks, no-one's pushing us or giving us any info about assignments, no-one knows when the deadlines are for stuff, it's just a mess basically. They need to sort their shit out. Apparently we've got an assignment in for Thursday. Jesus my life. Better get to work on that riiight.

So I been filming FMP lately, not just mine (cos tbf I didn't film that, Jamir did) but I'm acting in Lav's too, and I helped out on J's. If you get a chance to get to the FMP screening (June 24th I think?) some of the stuff I've seen is looking pretty good. Not mine. Or Lav's, even though I'm in it so it's pretty good by default, but Laurie's monologue movie looks amazing, and Pat's Shane Meadows-stylee beat 'em up is also looking mint. Oh brb gotta put some pasta on. Yeah so we're nearing the end of the course now, and I don't think I'm alone in saying THANK CHRIST FOR THAT. Year 1 was amazing. Year 2 less so. I guess I had some personal shit that kinda dragged me down during this year but I dunno. I still don't think the course is structured or organised well at all. Man I've made that point twice now. I should shut up about that.

So Scrubs finished in the US the other night. That sucks. That means it'll be finishing over here in like a year and a half. It's probably my favourite ever TV show. Either Scrubs or House. Or Diagnosis Murder but that's for retro comedy value. Man I really like medical shows. What's that about? Obviously I have a subconscious desire to be a doctor. I would love to be a doctor. How long does it take to be a doctor? Like seven years? I could rattle that out in a few months. Easy as pie. Nah but seriously, it takes a lot of time and commitment to be a doctor. Commitment that i most probably don't have. Ah well. Maybe in the next life eh. Oh food time. Gimme a few minutes here. Ok score. That was nice. I had red sauce on pasta with sauusaage chopped up in it. (Linda McCartney cos of course I've gone veggie for a little while.) Pisses me off, Steve keeps saying 'oh it's like saying you're a Christian and not believing in God' and I'm like 'no it isn't? I didn't say I don't believe in meat.' What it's like is I'm not eating meat for a while and seeing what happens. That's it. Ta-da.

This summer is gonna suck for me. Don't even know where I'll be living until university. But what does it matter right? I'm not saying I believe in like, 'fate' as in a set outline of exactly what is gonna happen. Cos that'd just suck. But you know, whatever happens happens. And I'm just gonna embrace it. Go for what I want and let everything else sort itself out. Our hot water is broken. FML.
Currently listening: Bob Marley - Three Little Birds with American Dad in the background
Currently watching: Man Utd vs. Man City (COME ON YOU BLUUEESSS!!)
Currently also: Playing Football Manager. Esbjerg fB.

Right then. There we go. Satisfactory. Gonna go wake steve up and have a beer. Real nice.
xo

OH p.s. If you're on twitter how about you follow these people: @ryanqnorth, @scottmccloud @dresdencodak and @untoward - all my webcomic guys. Ryan North of qwantz.com, Scott McCloud from that book, Aaron Diaz from dresdencodak.com and Joey Comeau from asofterworld.com and hell why not follow @zoe_louise too, just cos she's lovely and awesome :D

xo